Couples Therapy:
Using the Ideal Model Experientially

As a psychosynthesis therapist, I am often thinking of the Ideal Model when working with clients. For me the Ideal Model includes questions such as: Where are you now? (or How are things going in your life?) Where are you going? (or How do you wish your life could be?) How are you going to get there? What gets in the way of you having things the way you'd like them to be? What do you need to do or to develop in order to get where you want to go?

So how can we apply this concept and these questions when working with couples? I have been using an exercise for couples that is quite profound in bringing to light the core issues a couple is facing. Here is an explanation of the exercise:

At the end of a session with a couple, I ask them to consult with each other over the next week and together create two sculptures with their bodies that they could demonstrate at the next session. The sculptures would give a visual picture of the dynamics of the relationship between the two people. The first sculpture would answer the question: "How is your relationship now?," and the second sculpture would show, "How would you like your relationship to be?" I ask that the couple title their sculptures.

Let me explain what I mean by sculpture. This is a physical positioning that depicts the troublesome dynamic of the couple. For example, a couple created a first sculpture with them standing face to face shaking hands, but their other hands were shaped like they were holding a gun and hidden behind their backs. The title was "The Marriage Deal". The second sculpture showed them embraced in a dance, with her leg kicking up in back. The title was "Having Fun Together."

At this point, we have the answer to the questions, "Where are you now" and "Where would you like to be." In the session, I have the couple demonstrate the first sculpture and talk about their feelings and what this all means to them. Then I ask the couple to slowly move from the first sculpture into the second sculpture. We then discuss the second sculpture and its meaning for them. Then we go back to the process of moving from the first to the second. I have them do it a few times so we can see what needs to happen in order for them to move out of the existing dynamic and get where they want to be with each other.

What is revealed is the map for our work together. It's not the journey, it's the map. In my example, the significance of the first sculpture was that the couple felt stuck in some kind of contract full of expectations of each other, and they were both ready for the next fight, weapons in hand. In order to get to the second sculpture, they both needed to get rid of their weapons, give up the intolerant contract they had developed, and move into alignment with each other, enjoying the other. In dissecting the movement from the first to second, we talked about how the guns would be gotten rid of: thrown away? set nearby? destroyed permanently? We also talked about how they might let go of their contract and what it might feel like to let that go.

So, now they have a visual and somatic experience of their goals for the therapy, and we have a metaphor in which to work and refer. In therapy, we can address what they each need to do or develop to have the relationship they want, and what's getting in the way.

I have used this experiential exercise in conjoint couples therapy and with couples groups. In group, we demonstrate the sculptures together. Each couple gets support from group members. Then at the end of the eight weeks, we revisit the sculptures and applaud the changes the couple has made on their journey together.