About fourteen years ago, I began offering groups for women who had been abused. The encouragement came from one of my clients who wondered if the psychosynthesis processes that I was using with her individually would also be effective in the group setting. Naturally, much of my work involved healing the inner child -- identifying the wounded child and guiding the client to meet this child from a place of non-judgment, listening to and responding to the child s feelings, thoughts, beliefs, wants; determining the needs and finding ways to meet those needs. In most cases this also involved attempts to reconcile with the internalized caregivers.

Sometimes this appeared to be successful; sometimes, not. What became very apparent in working with women who had had such severe and prolonged trauma is that something very different needed to happen. Trying to meet the needs of the inner child seemed very much like trying to fill a bottomless pit. Of course there would be some gains, but that same needy child just kept on re-emerging. I wondered why this was so. Why was it that so much dedicated and sincere effort seemed to essentially go nowhere. In a moment of inspiration with one client, I tried something different. It worked so well and had such lasting results, that I have been doing it ever since; and it works equally well in cases where the trauma is much less severe (at least by outside standards!).

What emerged was a series of steps or stages that involve some trans-generational work -- i.e., healing the wounds of not only the inner child, but also the inner child/adolescent of the parental introjects (and sometimes grandparents and/or surrogates). It turns out that these internalized caregivers seemed to function like a big vacuum cleaner that sucked up all the love and caring that the client sought to give to her inner child! Many of them remarked, "Just like when I was growing up!" While these initial groups were conducted with women, the stages apply equally to men and the processes used have proved equally effective. (For the sake of simplicity, however, I will use feminine pronouns throughout this article.) The steps do not necessarily occur in linear fashion and there is frequent overlapping and moving back and forth between stages. They may all occur (symbolically) during one session or over many sessions. Obviously, the integration into life experience and expression requires a longer period of time. Often the process needs repeating with another inner child/adolescent (e.g. a five year old, a ten year old, a sixteen year old, etc.) and with another child/adolescent of the inner parents. This is not so complicated as it may sound; because the client's life experience, as it unfolds, highlights what is needed. There are, essentially, three stages:

I. Healing the Inner Family
II. Letting Go ; Stepping Out of the Family System
III. Choice for Life: Discovery and Expression of Purpose

Stage I involves several steps or substages. The focus of this article is mainly on Stage I, primarily because of space limitations and also because most readers of this publication are probably familiar with processes for Stage II and III. There are, however, some perhaps subtle modifications of traditional psychosynthesis practice during Stage I. I did not understand the full significance of these modifications until I read the work of John Firman and Ann (Russell) Gila in their booklet, Opening to the Inner Child and also their more extensive work, The Primal Wound.(2) The reader is encouraged to peruse these works for a theoretical understanding of what makes this process so effective.

Step 1.
Identifying the wounded child. With a little imagination, it is usually not difficult to guide the client toward an encounter with her inner child. As in traditional psychosynthesis, listen to the child's feelings, beliefs, what decisions were made as a result of the child's experience and more essentially, determine what the child needs. Often, however, especially where there has been childhood abuse, there is an immediate aversion to meeting that child. This can manifest as judgment, disgust, anger, distance, fear etc.; or the child appears unwilling to meet her (the client)! This leads right into Step 2.

Step 2.
Identifying who it is within us that perpetuates the empathic failure. The child knows what she needs and from whom she needed it. If this is not immediately forthcoming, an effective intervention is to simply ask the client to visualize her caregivers or surrogates out there somewhere. This usually will quickly identify where the work needs to be done. Shame issues often emerge here (quite appropriately, I might add) and are easily dealt with in this context. For example, the client may protest, "But I don't want to blame my parents for all my problems. After all, they did the best they could". Response: "That's true. And from this perspective in your life you know that. From the perspective of your inner child, you simply needed what you needed and you were dependent on your caregivers to provide for those needs". This kind of an objection often arises from the child's need to see her caregivers as good and capable. I believe that this kind of shame (i.e. There must be something wrong with me) is a survival decision: "If it's me, then someday I can get better ; if it's them, and I depend on them for my survival, it's all over"! This is a major factor in understanding how this kind of shame is so tenaciously held on to and how this type of enmeshed relationship becomes an internal unifying center (albeit negative!) which perpetuates the wounding and limits our self-experience and self-expression throughout our lives unless and until some kind of healing takes place. Understanding this also facilitates the next step.

Step 3.
Disidentifying from the enmeshed relationship between caregiver and child. In my earlier work, I treated the internalized caregiver as a subpersonality and went about facilitating a relationship between the child and caregiver. I have found that it is faster and the results are longer lasting when I do something like the following (assume the mother's name is Ruth):

Imagine now that your mother's outer form begins to fade and you begin to see her at the age when (because of her own unmet needs) she lost her capacity to provide what was needed by your inner child. Go with the first thing that comes even if it does not make any sense. Ask young Ruth what it was that she needed most essentially at that time.

Step 4.
Restoring the empathic connection to both wounder and wounded. So now we have two children with unmet needs. The problem now is how to meet the needs of both of these children without reinforcing the client s responsibility for the mother's needs the way she often experienced it as a child. The following visualization most often works very well: Imagine a point of light way off in the distance. Gradually, as it approaches, it becomes brighter and larger and more and more beautiful. From the center of that light there appears the image of a very Loving,(3) very Kind and very Wise Being or Presence. This Being knows exactly what young Ruth needs and exactly how to provide for those needs. It may appear as a Being of Light, a religious symbol, something from nature or it may have a human form. Whatever comes is what is right for you... . Notice how young Ruth responds to this Presence. There is no need for you to do anything. Just watch and allow. It knows what to do... . Now return your awareness to your inner child and ask what she needs at this point.

Symbolically meeting the need of the internalized mother in this way makes room for and/or strengthens the connection with the child and the capacity for the client to meet this child's needs. This is reinforced by adding, Imagine now a Sphere of Light which represents the Source of all Truth, the Source of all Love, the unconditional kind.(4) Allow this Sphere of Light to support and reveal anything further that needs to happen just for now - releasing what needs releasing, revealing what needs revealing, healing what needs healing.

Often there will be a flood of grief (any or all of the Kubler-Ross stages of grief). This may come in waves over several sessions. It is, however, necessary for Stage II: Letting Go: Stepping Out of the Family System. I am reminded here of what Chris Robertson said in a recent issue of the AAP Newsletter: "If we are Cinderellas, then perhaps we need to give more attention to grieving the loss of the mother than to making it with the prince". In the words of one client: I feel as though I'm closing a door... walking to another door... not ready to open it yet. I'll know when I'm ready. The path I've been on started a long time ago. You know there's a path. You don't always see what's around the bend, but you know it's out there. The Sphere of Light is around the entire path.

Step 5.
Providing a place of honor for the child within us. It is, of course, best to reinforce the client's connection with the child and the Sphere of Light in whatever way you can. Doing so strengthens the client's ability to be a steady empathic presence (unifying center) which reflects to the child the steady presence of Self -- which is, after all, the bottom line needed. Be with me. Simply recalling the image of young Ruth with her Loving Presence greatly facilitates this. The child needs to know that this connection is forever.

I'm sorry that I could not be there for you then, but I couldn't because I was you. And I'm sorry that your mother couldn't be there for you, but she couldn't because she was emotionally at least... years old and very needy herself. The good news is that as long as you are here, I am here. This is forever.

Inevitably, as the client experiences that the old system can no longer contain her expanded sense of self (much as the womb can no longer contain the full term baby) she begins to shift her focus away from her dependency/survival orientation and she is moving into Stage III: Choice For Life. Of course, there are new challenges - and she is better prepared to meet them.

Endnotes
1. These stages are described in some detail in the booklet Healing the Wounds by Therese Caveney, available from Synthesis Distribution or from the author at 1484 Pollard Rd. #561, Los Gatos, CA 95032. (408) 871-7139.
2. Available from Psychosynthesis Palo Alto: 461 Hawthorne; Palo Alto, CA 94301. (605) 321-6562.
3. Note the emphasis on "Love" instead of the usual emphasis on "Wisdom" in traditional psychosynthesis. People who have suffered abuse are much more immediately in need of Love than they are of Wisdom.
4. Often people who have been abused have a hard time imagining that there is such a thing as Unconditional Love. "Truth" works just as well. I believe that ultimately they are one and the same.

Therese Caveney is a marriage and family therapist in private practice in Los Gatos, CA. She received 5 years training at the San Francisco Psychosynthesis Institute beginning in 1974. She has specialized in healing the wounds of adults abused as children. She can be contacted at (408)354-6688 or e-mail: tcaveney@hotmail.com.